Stalled-Out Sam: Handling a Tough Manager and Unfair Reviews After a Promotion

Karen: 00:00:00

Foreign.

Kendra: 00:00:08

Hello and welcome to the HR Mediators Podcast where we navigate workplace conflict one coffee chat at a time. Our goal is to help you build skills to better navigate challenging workplace conflicts with compassion, grace and ease.

I'm Karen, Certified HR Professional and Mediator and founder of Common Ground hr.

Karen: 00:00:28

And I'm Kendra, also a certified HR Professional and Mediator.

Together we bring over 30 years of HR experience and 15 years of mediation practice and we have teamed up to answer your questions around workplace conflict. Grab your coffee and let's get started. A quick note about the scope of this podcast.

We are certified Mediators with deep experience in HR and conflict resolution. We are not lawyers, therapist or or licensed counselors. Nothing shared here should be considered professional advice related to any of those fields.

Think of these scenarios as food for thought. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and be sure to trust your own judgment.

Kendra: 00:01:04

Thanks, Kendra. For anyone new here, we start each episode by reading a scenario inspired by real workplace experiences.

To protect privacy, we change all identifying details, adjust timelines, and blend similar accounts. Workplace conflicts often sound familiar, but any resemblance to specific people or organizations is purely coincidental.

Today's story comes from someone we'll call Stalled Out Sam, who writes, I'm only a few years into my career and I just got a promotion to a much more senior level than the one I started here in.

My company doesn't generally accept younger people into this level, but I have a great track record and great education and the job was open so I applied for it. I knew the hiring manager, which I'm sure helped me get the job. Probably, probably taking this new role meant I had to move to a new team.

The manager who hired me was excited to offer me the job, but he left shortly after I got here.

I now have a manager who seems to regularly remind me that I'm not all that, and she put some really bland and rather harsh, undeserved remarks on my year end review. These are not accurate descriptions of the value I bring and could hurt my ability to progress in the company.

In addition to these comments, whenever I present in a meeting with the team or other managers there, my manager makes it very clear that she's not impressed with me. Nothing specifically bad, but barely even a good job. Just more like okay, thanks on to the next presenter. I find this very demoralizing.

I'd like to leave, but I've only been here two years and things were going pretty well prior to working with this boss and I am actually pretty darn good at what I do.

Even Though I'm aware I don't know everything, I frankly think my manager is jealous of my career progression because I got this promotion so early and because I got a big performance award in my last role.

When I asked her why I got low scores on my review, she said she needed to reserve the higher scores for people who have been in the job for longer and that I don't have a chance at a higher score until I've been in the job for at least a few years. Oh, no. Wow.

Karen: 00:03:03

That seems ridiculous.

Kendra: 00:03:06

I've brought a lot of innovative ideas to this department since I got here, some of which have been implemented, and my clients have been giving good feedback about these changes. This feels really unfair, and I don't want to leave just because my resume would look like I couldn't handle the job.

This was a big chance for me, but I am stuck between a choice of looking like I've failed versus getting low ratings, which would actually show that I failed. I cry every day after work and I don't know what to do. Lots of stress happening there.

Karen: 00:03:34

Well, thank you, Sam, for reaching out to us, and we're gonna do everything we can to help you find a good path forward. Before we continue, we wanna invite all of our listeners to briefly pause the podcast and ask yourself some questions.

What do you think are the problems here? Does this bring up any big emotions for you? What would you do if you were in Sam's situation? How would you move forward?

We're gonna give you some music to think to and go ahead and pause the podcast if you need more time. We'll be back with you in a minute.

Kendra: 00:04:08

All right. We hope you had some good moments to think and some good thoughts about the situation, and let's go ahead and chat about it some more, shall we?

My first thought was, so disappointing to get this awesome new promotion and then get this new manager who behaves like this. And this promotion sounds like it was a major accomplishment for Sam.

Karen: 00:04:28

Congrats, Sam. That sounds huge.

Kendra: 00:04:31

And I'll just say, too, it's hard at any level to have a manager who ignores you or worse, is rude and discouraging and paints kind of a negative picture of the future too. Like, this doesn't look good for going forward.

Karen: 00:04:44

Agreed.

Kendra: 00:04:45

Well, in all of the situations here on the HR mediators, Kendra and I know from our mediation background that it's pretty important to sit for a moment with the feelings associated with the issue before moving on to trying to solve anything.

Karen: 00:04:59

I think that's our advice in every episode. Right. Sit with the feelings, process the feelings.

Kendra: 00:05:04

And that reflection piece, the music there. To have people think for a moment is kind of part of that too. Really kind of think about how you're feeling with this situation.

If you're a manager or a non manager, this is just a really important part of a healthy approach to conflict. And if you're in a leadership role, this also helps develop or maintain that critical component of leadership, which is empathy.

Karen: 00:05:27

And it sounds like Sam's manager doesn't really have a lot of that.

Kendra: 00:05:31

It really doesn't, does it? Well, we're going to give you a one minute answer.

Anything you wanted to add, Kendra, before we give the the short version so that if folks have to go, we can give that to them.

Karen: 00:05:41

No, let's give them the short answer.

Kendra: 00:05:42

Okay. As you may know, if you've been listening to this podcast for a while, we give you a short answer for anyone who wants to get right to the point.

But we hope you'll stay because we are going to share our thoughts and opinions from a variety of perspectives during the rest of the podcast. Here it is. Sam sounds really unhappy. It doesn't sound like the situation is going to change anytime soon.

There are some unique challenges to a job hunt in this situation. However, we'll talk some more about.

Sam can also consider talking to her boss with some questions designed for useful feedback and with assuming positive intent. Sam can also go to HR to give an overview of what's happening and see if they can help.

And we also recommend that she increases her focus on her mental health during this difficult time.

Karen: 00:06:25

Well said, Karen. So as we go into our conversation, we like to start by looking at this from a broad perspective and also dig in.

We'll discuss the situation from a few angles, including conflict resolution, human resources, psychology, and others. We like to bring our wisdom from our education, our experience working in Fortune 100 companies, our volunteering and running our own business.

Over to you, Karen.

Kendra: 00:06:47

I think there are limited possibilities here. I think Sam can try to understand more about what's driving the manager's words and actions, but these two sound really far apart.

And from our mediation experience, we sometimes observe conflict where the two people are very far apart and their perspectives and on the situation or the outcomes even that are just so far apart. And this one sounds like it could be that type of situation.

Karen: 00:07:13

Yeah, I agree. And I also wonder if it's a personality difference.

Sam's talking about her experience, which totally makes sense because she's living it, but we don't know how her co workers experiences are. She didn't really talk about that. And so I'm wondering if this is a management style and a personality style of this manager.

Kendra: 00:07:30

Certainly could be.

Karen: 00:07:31

It could also be related to neurodiversity situations. Like if somebody has been diagnosed with autism.

Sometimes that can impact their ability to show empathy and communicate in a way without having learned the skills to be able to do that. So I'm wondering if there's more at play here than just what we see on the surface.

Kendra: 00:07:50

Are you thinking about that from the manager being sort of blunt or. And, or are you thinking from Sam maybe being a little extra sensitive?

Although I don't want to make it sound like I don't have empathy for Sam, because I do. This is clearly, you know, getting low ratings and saying there's nothing good for you in the future for a few years is. Is not great.

Karen: 00:08:10

Oh, yeah, for sure. I mean, we both have a lot of empathy for Sam and this is a bad sit and especially Sam crying every night. But I think it's both things.

Maybe Sam is a little sensitive because maybe Sam's last manager was like a fuse, you know, somebody who was always praising her and telling her compliments. Yeah. Because some people are. I'm. I'm kind of like that with my employees, you know, like, oh, you did so great.

And then I've worked with other people that give a compliment twice a year whether you like it or not. And so.

Kendra: 00:08:39

And it's good job, right?

Karen: 00:08:40

Exactly. It's good job. So I'm wondering if she's more used to.

And she sounds like she's newer in her career, so maybe she hasn't had a lot of exposure to a lot of different kinds of management styles.

Kendra: 00:08:50

I think you're onto something there too.

Karen: 00:08:52

So that's a thought.

And so then I just wonder, I think that she could maybe get some more insight into if that's how her manager is or if it's just her manager's relationship to her by watching how she treats everybody else. Because if everybody, when they're presenting, she goes, okay, next person. Like, maybe that's just who she is.

Kendra: 00:09:09

Right.

Karen: 00:09:09

Not saying that that's acceptable.

And it's probably something that if she's going to be in a leadership position, she needs to work on because being empathetic is really kind of critical to being a manager and showing that encouragement. But that could be part of it.

Kendra: 00:09:22

It really could be. And I love your thoughts about Sam, kind of broadening that perspective too.

My first reaction to this is Sam needs to hopefully just find another job.

Karen: 00:09:32

Agreed.

Kendra: 00:09:32

And maybe through networking, too, because just sending out a resume where, hey, I just got to this job, and now I'm looking for a new one. Could be a little tough. So maybe more of a networking kind of thing. Maybe Sam can reach out to that manager that hired her.

Karen: 00:09:44

Love that.

Kendra: 00:09:45

And had already left.

Karen: 00:09:46

Well, also, to me, two years is not a short amount of time in a job. And I know it varies by industry and role, and so I. It's going to. It's going to vary.

Kendra: 00:09:57

You know what? I think Sam said that she had been in the company for two years. Oh.

Karen: 00:10:01

And then this is a new job with.

Kendra: 00:10:04

And this is the promotion, I think.

Karen: 00:10:06

So we don't know how long she was actually in the company.

Kendra: 00:10:09

She says she's a few years into her career.

Karen: 00:10:11

Okay.

Kendra: 00:10:12

Yeah.

Karen: 00:10:12

And we know. So we don't know how long she's actually been in this role.

Kendra: 00:10:15

Um, she said she just got it, and I think this is the first time she's got ratings. Oh, okay.

Karen: 00:10:20

So less than a year, probably.

Kendra: 00:10:21

Yeah. Okay. I think it's brief.

Karen: 00:10:23

I misinterpreted that. So, yeah, it's ideal. So from my perspective, and I think a standard HR perspective, you want to stay in a job at least a year. That's kind of my.

Kendra: 00:10:32

My thing seems to be a good kind of benchmark. Yeah.

Karen: 00:10:35

I've known people that have left sooner and had success, but in my opinion, you don't want to do that unless you actually have a solid job on the other side that you know that you can go into and then stay there for at least a year.

Kendra: 00:10:45

And I think Sam is just feeling really sensitive about, do I stay here and I keep getting these low ratings that I'm told are going to continue to happen, or do I show it on my resume that I had this super short job? Is it worth it to have a super short job on the resume? Which is a good question.

Karen: 00:11:07

And then I wonder, if I was in Sam's shoes, how would I feel about this in five years? Would I feel like I ran away when maybe I should have stayed and tried to work through it? I have this friend. I have.

I had a job that I really hated for a long time. Well, not a long time. A couple years.

And I had this friend, and she would always tell to me, it was infuriating at the time, but it was exactly what I needed. She would say, you know, you just have to bloom where you're planted. Oh, and don't move on. Right. Until You've be.

Essentially, she was saying, find success where you're at before you move on. And there's a lot of wisdom in that. And at the time, I was like, oh my gosh, please stop saying that to me. But it was really actually pretty wise.

And it's something that stuck with me for all these years, because if it's not abusive and it's just a challenging interpersonal relationship, it might actually strengthen Sam's skills and her career to be able to learn how to navigate this and work through it and bloom where she's been planted before she moves on.

Kendra: 00:12:04

Right. Wouldn't we all benefit from that hindsight, that magic time machine, to go forward in time and say, what should I do?

Hey, future me, what should I do?

Karen: 00:12:14

Exactly.

Kendra: 00:12:15

And there's a lot to be said for sticking around and getting past the point of just learning the job and really seeing what you can do. A lot to be said for that and. All right, since we're sharing past stories here, I worked for a manager one time who would say no to everything.

I'd have ideas and she'd go, oh, no, we can't do that because of this and this. Or she'd just say, no, we can't do that. Get out of my office kind of thing.

And for some reason, I was enthused enough about the job to sort of keep bringing her these ideas. And when she'd say no, I'd sort of do a mock up of it and say, but look, we could do this. And she.

And we got to the point where she'd say, okay, fine, just do it, but you're not getting overtime.

Karen: 00:12:59

That doesn't surprise me at all that you did that. That's just delightful.

Kendra: 00:13:03

And.

Karen: 00:13:03

And we, we wound up with a.

Kendra: 00:13:05

Pretty darn good working relationship, but she was always curmudgeonly. And so it does kind of come to mind, now that you mention it, about some, you know, prior experiences here.

I wonder if this manager is saying you were never going to get good ratings for like three years. But maybe if Sam does where she is planted, potentially that could be something in her future.

Karen: 00:13:26

Yeah. So maybe it's not like a malicious intent saying that she's not gonna get good reviews for a few years because she's awful.

Kendra: 00:13:33

Right.

Karen: 00:13:33

But maybe that's what that manager's seen, and so she's preparing her.

Kendra: 00:13:38

Right, right.

Karen: 00:13:39

So you wanna assume positive intent.

Kendra: 00:13:40

Right.

Karen: 00:13:40

Which we always try to do.

Kendra: 00:13:42

We do, we do. I'm. I'm really kind of embracing this devil's advocate side Here of my initial thought, Sam really may wanna look for a job, but I.

Sense as a possible path forward for her too, is to stick around and just really show her stuff, what she can do. And maybe she will get those good ratings. Maybe she will knock that manager's socks off.

Karen: 00:14:06

And maybe there's not a. Most of the time, I would say that there's not a right path forward. It's a what's right for Sam. What's right in that situation, maybe.

And it's really up to Sam to make that decision.

Kendra: 00:14:16

Right.

Karen: 00:14:17

But if she were to decide to go looking for a job, what are some things she needs to be aware of in that situation, or what would you warn her about?

Kendra: 00:14:25

Probably just the time in the job.

And I would definitely say if she can network with people a bit to hear about other jobs out there, rather than just applying for things online, or if she works for a large company, not just applying online without knowing who the hiring manager is and things like that, she should really talk to people and get known. And that might take a while.

And so that's partly too, why we definitely emphasize some mental health here, because she sounds really upset daily, and that is not something to take lightly.

So she should really think about some good mental health care in the time being, not just try to push those emotions down and, you know, pull herself up off the floor every morning. And some mental health focus would be good.

Karen: 00:15:07

Yeah, I totally agree. A couple of other thoughts.

If she does decide to go out and look for a job, I would have some fear if I were in Sam's shoes, about companies that might ask for references. And so maybe understanding that you might not be able to put this manager on that reference list.

Kendra: 00:15:23

Absolutely.

Karen: 00:15:24

And having some backups, maybe like the manager who hired you originally, Sam, maybe they would be a good one.

Kendra: 00:15:29

Yes. What to do about references. That's a great point.

Hopefully she has that manager's contact information and they have not retired without sharing that or wherever they went. Hopefully she can get a hold of that person and they might be a reference for her that actually would be a point for leaving soon. Yeah.

Because then maybe she could still use that manager as. As the reference for the job.

Karen: 00:15:53

Yeah.

The other thing that I feel like I have to say, because a lot of people I know, I've been in situations where I've been like, I'm gonna qu day, I'm just walking out, like it's gonna happen. And so when you're in those situations where you're feeling very emotionally drained, it's so easy to just do that.

And I just really want to advise you, Sam, not to do that. I think it's gonna be really critical that you have another job lined up where you can be successful before leaving.

Kendra: 00:16:18

That would be a really good idea. Who knows what her reserves are like, what her situation is. But I am definitely a fan of that. Advising against rage quitting. Yeah.

Karen: 00:16:30

Rage quitting. Yes. I.

Kendra: 00:16:32

Where possible.

Karen: 00:16:34

Yes. Always best to avoid.

Kendra: 00:16:37

Yeah. If possible.

Karen: 00:16:39

Yeah.

Kendra: 00:16:40

If she is gonna stick around, if it's taking a while on the job search, anything like that. She definitely would want to listen to our podcast episode where we talk about another performance review situation.

Some really good references for asking the good questions about getting useful feedback. So I would definitely say, you know, she doesn't rage quit.

And if it's taken her a little while to find a job, which is quite possible, that she really seeks that feedback because there's no other way she's gonna bloom where planted. I'm just gonna keep using that phrase now. It's in my head.

Karen: 00:17:14

It's a good one.

Kendra: 00:17:15

It is, it is.

Karen: 00:17:16

We have to give a special call out to Jamie for that one.

Kendra: 00:17:18

Okay. All right. Thanks, Jamie.

Karen: 00:17:20

As you might have also heard in one of our other podcasts, we talk about the Marshall Rosenberg's nonviolent communication.

And that's also a good tool to go back to because it does that four step process for address your needs with somebody, how to voice the situation and share your, you know, your observations and your needs and make a request. So I think that that could be a really useful tool for.

For Sam too, especially because it feels like her and her manager are not communicating really well.

Kendra: 00:17:47

Right.

Karen: 00:17:47

So if they could go back to that and really have some better clear conversations about what she needs and what she's not getting from her manager, I think there could be a lot of value in that.

Kendra: 00:17:55

I think so. Just really any support that Sam can get on having those better conversations and it sounds like it's probably going to be one.

I mean, the manager's not sounding very self reflective and it sounds like whatever Sam can get for some support for those conversations, she's probably just going to be able to really use that. Yeah.

Karen: 00:18:14

I'm wondering if she might have an opportunity to do a skip level.

You know, sometimes companies will allow you to meet with your manager's manager and maybe there could be a tactful way that she could approach that conversation to ask for some emotional intelligence building for her manager.

Kendra: 00:18:31

That would be a good thing to request. I think the Best time to ask for a skip level, if it's possible, is when you have seen that person though.

Karen: 00:18:39

Yeah.

Kendra: 00:18:40

If you saw them in the hall, or better yet, if they came to a team meeting and they said, hey, we're gonna schedule some skip levels or hey, if you ever wanna talk to me, hinge on that invitation, take that invitation.

Karen: 00:18:53

That's such a good point. Because you don't wanna be going to them with a problem. You wanna come with ideas, solutions.

You can come with problems, but that shouldn't be the primary reason that you're meeting with them or it's going to hurt your reputation.

Kendra: 00:19:04

Probably it could.

And that's why, boy, if you've had an invitation from Skip level or if they said, I'm going to do one on ones with you all just to check in with you once or twice a year or something like that, that would be awesome if that happened here. She could also reach out if she's got the ability to contact the hiring manager, the one who brought her in.

If that person can advise on how safe it is to do a skip level meeting with the boss's boss, they.

Karen: 00:19:29

Might have some extra insight.

Kendra: 00:19:31

Yes.

Karen: 00:19:32

So another tip that I absolutely love, that I've learned over the years to get a skip level meeting.

Kendra: 00:19:37

Yes.

Karen: 00:19:38

Is to build a relationship and getting close with the admin for that person. Obviously not all managers have admins. The gatekeeper.

Kendra: 00:19:46

Yeah.

Karen: 00:19:46

And I mean, honestly, most admins are like really wonderful people with great stories anyway, so they're really good to know.

But if you, if you have that relationship and then you can reach out and say like, oh, I'd really love to talk to this person, do you know how I might go about getting a meeting with them? And I found that to be very successful.

Kendra: 00:20:03

I love that so much. And any admins who are listening right now, we appreciate you.

Karen: 00:20:09

You do everything. Oh my gosh, life would be rough without you.

Kendra: 00:20:13

The unsung heroes.

Karen: 00:20:14

Yes, absolutely.

Kendra: 00:20:16

Keeping the company rolling all behind the.

Karen: 00:20:19

Scenes too, with us. Not very much credit, honestly. Yeah. Glad we have Administrative Professionals day.

Kendra: 00:20:25

Yay. Well, should we talk a little bit about this from an HR perspective too? A little bit more specific on that?

Karen: 00:20:31

Yeah, let's pivot.

Kendra: 00:20:32

All right. This could be an interesting one for the HR person to address. The HR person here.

Do I know that this manager is kind of an old school leader who thinks that new people just need to do their time before they get any real kudos or good ratings? Or do I know too? Is it possible that her whole team is a Team of rock stars.

And there's a requirement to give out only a certain number of good ratings for each closeout. And also the tricky part for HR every time is how much of that can I say to the employee? Right, yeah.

You can't say everything that's going on to the employee because you can't talk about other people's performance. And you want to be careful about saying, oh, yeah, the manager is really old school.

You know, you just want to be a little bit careful about what you say about people. And in hr, you tend to know a lot about a lot of people.

Karen: 00:21:25

Yes, you do need to know all the secrets. Right.

Kendra: 00:21:29

So there are a lot of possibilities here, and it would really drive what I might say. But I would likely encourage Sam to talk to her manager. And if I had bandwidth, I could also offer to maybe help facilitate if talks break down.

And then hopefully I do know enough about the manager's personality to give Sam some advice on how to approach her.

Karen: 00:21:49

Well, you talked briefly in passing about the certain number of a specific score for performance ratings.

Kendra: 00:21:55

It happens.

Karen: 00:21:55

Oh, for sure.

And it feels like that's actually a very common thing, especially in large companies where there's a bell curve and certain number of people need to be below the bell curve and a certain number of people need to be above.

Kendra: 00:22:07

Right.

Karen: 00:22:07

Or maybe none above, but just depending on the company and on the bell curve, etc.

Kendra: 00:22:12

Yes.

Karen: 00:22:12

So it feels like that's kind of a big part of corporate culture. That should be something that she can consider as well.

Kendra: 00:22:19

It does. And if she's newer in career, I know that there's this perception that I have to get A's in all my classes and things like that.

And if people aren't getting top ratings, they feel awkward, uncomfortable, not valued, things like that. And there does tend to be that bell curve, especially in a large company. And that's often because it could be tied to raises.

Karen: 00:22:40

Yep. That compensation piece is part of that.

Kendra: 00:22:43

Yeah.

It can be tied to the money, but any compensation professional will tell you we cannot give everybody all the top ratings because we don't have enough money to give everybody 120% pay increase.

Karen: 00:22:56

Well, and while Sam is doing a great job, or at least she's perceiving herself to be doing a great job, which it sounds like her prior manager also thought so she probably is. Maybe it's still not up to par with people who have been doing it for multiple years. Maybe there's still more to learn.

Kendra: 00:23:10

Right.

Karen: 00:23:10

And it is perfectly acceptable. Like I always tell Myself, whenever I'm going into a new job, I will not know this job for. For at least six months like that. That is the. Or longer.

Yeah, I mean, for sure it can take up to three years, depending on the job that you're in and whatever.

But to your point, a lot of the times people come into these roles and they want to have really high performance and maybe it's just not feasible to have that expectation of yourself.

Kendra: 00:23:33

That could be.

Karen: 00:23:34

But also maybe. I mean, for the fact that Sam's crying every night, it's probably not only the performance rating that's really bothering her.

It feels like it's really more about that communication piece between her and the manager and the lack of pos positive feedback she's getting.

Kendra: 00:23:49

And you mentioned earlier too, her prior manager may have been very effusive in giving lots of good comments on her work. Yeah, I think it's worth mentioning EAP at this point. We haven't actually mentioned that yet.

Many companies have an employee assistance program which may offer free counseling benefits for a short period of time. And it's just a way to get some emotional support soon.

And then if she wanted to continue on with mental health counseling, counseling, if this kind of lasts a while, she could go to their healthcare policy to find out more about the benefits for therapy or counseling. We've noticed Sam seems really upset and could probably use the help of a trained psychologist to help her cope and transition.

During this time, I think we've covered hr.

Karen: 00:24:35

Do you want to dive into psychology from a psychology perspective?

Kendra: 00:24:39

Sure. The term that comes to mind for me here, because I am so leaning towards, ooh, Sam probably ought to look for a job. Job is the sunk cost fallacy.

And that is the term for when a person continues to put effort, money, or time into something which isn't going well. And they do it because they feel they have to because they've already put so much into it.

Karen: 00:25:01

It's like when you're playing poker.

Kendra: 00:25:03

Yes, that is a good thing.

Karen: 00:25:05

You're pot committed.

Kendra: 00:25:07

Yes, love that.

Specifically, it goes with, if they feel like they made huge efforts into getting where they are, they are even less likely to leave because they hope that if they persever, that investment is going to eventually pay off. So it's hard to do that while you're in the moment and things aren't going so well.

Sometimes it does make sense to make a big change, even if it was a big deal or a lot of effort to get to the current place. So Sam could have stayed in her prior job and not taken this big step.

But now that she's taken this big step and she's here, she has this concern about failure or looking like a failure in. In whichever choice she makes. So she's really in a tough spot. The sun cost fallacy doesn't hold true for every situation.

Like, if you're waiting for a bus for long time, chances are that bus is going to show up. Or the next scheduled one. Maybe the bus is broke down, you're going to get the next one.

That it can be really applicable to relationships, jobs, and even things like considering changing your major in college when you're already a ways into your present major, but you're getting that gut feeling that this isn't what you want to be doing with your life. Sam's pretty invested in the jobs. Big accomplishment to get there. She felt really recognized for her contributions before and she wants it to work.

So not sure what's the best thing for her to do, but it's probably a time to think rationally about whether it's truly time to persevere at all costs or if it's time to move on.

Karen: 00:26:27

That is such a great psychological perspective to bring into this. And I also think that a lot of the times people have just a huge fear of change. It's like the.

The devil you know is better than the devil that you don't know. Right? Is that how the phrase goes?

Kendra: 00:26:43

Yes.

Karen: 00:26:44

And so like it's.

Kendra: 00:26:45

I.

Karen: 00:26:45

You see a lot of people stay in unhappy marriages, stay in unhappy jobs because they already know how terrible it is. And if they change jobs, it could be way worse there. And so true. Understanding that fear. And then there's. I don't know if you.

Do you know Tim Ferriss?

Kendra: 00:27:01

No.

Karen: 00:27:01

Oh, he's this great author and he's a podcaster and he wrote like the four Hour Body and the four Hour Work Week. And anyway, great.

Kendra: 00:27:08

Four Hour work week. This sounds really good.

Karen: 00:27:09

Yeah, it's essentially starting your own business, whatever. But he's great and he has this practice that he does whenever he's feeling fearful and he.

I'm probably going to butcher the explanation, but essentially he says, like, write down the five things that are the worst possible outcome of taking that action that you're afraid of. And what are the five best possible outcomes that could happen as a result of taking that? He's much more eloquent in his description.

But we will put this in the show notes for you.

Kendra: 00:27:35

Great.

Karen: 00:27:35

Yeah, we have those resources for a reason.

But yeah, that is a Great way to approach it, I think, because then you're looking at the best case scenario and the worst case scenario, and then you're seeing if you're willing to take those risks to be able to move forward.

Kendra: 00:27:47

That sounds great.

Karen: 00:27:48

The other psychological perspective I wanted to bring up while we're talking about psychology is emotional intelligence. I feel like every time we chat, I have a book recommendation.

Kendra: 00:27:58

Kendra is a very. She's a voracious reader.

Karen: 00:28:01

I do read a lot.

Kendra: 00:28:03

I envy her. Big Brain.

Karen: 00:28:05

Another one of my favorites. I think I say this every time too, but really it's a great book by Daniel Goleman. Emotional Intelligence, one of the best.

So it's the concept of having the intelligence related to, like, doing math or science.

Kendra: 00:28:18

There.

Karen: 00:28:19

There's value in that, of course, but then there's also value on the emotional side of things. I just highly recommend that book. And it feels like this is something that both Sam and her manager could use.

This really talks about how to recognize, understand, and manage your own emotions. And then it also helps you learn how to read the emotions of others.

And if Sam's manager is somebody who might have autism or some other condition that's causing her to not be potentially reading cues. Right.

And not engaging in a successful way, then books like this can kind of help build those skills to become a more empathetic person and actually pay attention to the emotions of people around. Around you.

Kendra: 00:28:57

Great book for life and one of the best business books. So relevant. Yeah, yeah. And one of the best out there. And Daniel Goleman is the number one when it. When it comes to that topic. Emotional intelligence.

I feel like he coined that phrase, actually, didn't he?

Karen: 00:29:12

Yeah.

Kendra: 00:29:12

Okay.

Karen: 00:29:13

Yeah, It's a good one.

Kendra: 00:29:14

Love those thoughts. Shall we close it out for today?

Karen: 00:29:17

I think we should, yeah.

Kendra: 00:29:18

All right, here's the summary. Sam has a new job, which is a promotion for her, and it involved a change to a different work team.

But the hiring manager left right after she got there, and she and her new manager don't have the same view of her contributions as well. The new manager says she won't be getting good ratings anytime soon because of how new she is in the job and in the level.

We recommend that Sam start looking for a job, but she should also consider a variety of other actions, such as asking her manager some of the good questions to gather honest feedback and be open to hearing that feedback and doing a little bit of documenting of the situation and talking with HR and keeping mental health and self care as a focus. I know, do it all right. It's not always possible but the mental health component is so important during this level of stress.

So work to seek and receive feedback. Document and talk to HR if needed. Take care of your mental health and look for a new job if needed.

We hope this chat gives you some ideas and tools to use if you find yourself in a workplace conflict.

Karen: 00:30:19

All of the resources we referenced in the podcast can be found in the show Notes. Also, please let us know your thoughts, ideas and questions.

If you'd like to hear our thoughts about a workplace conflict scenario that you're facing, reach out to us and we might include it in the next podcast we want to hear from you. Check out our website at thehrmediators.com or email us at thehrmediators gmail.com thanks for.

Kendra: 00:30:40

Joining us on the HR Mediators. Stay curious, stay kind and stay brave. You've got this and we'll see you next time. It.